My mum is possibly the worst driver ever. Oh my god, yeah, every week she’ll come home and be like ‘yeah this barricade, it just jumped out at me and there’s another scrape on the car’ and I’m like ‘okay mum, yeah yeah yeah’. I mean my friends literally get in the car and you know you have the things you hold onto on the side, they’re just like ‘hey, Jackie!’ It’s so funny.
me, charging any random cat i see: cat!!!!
cat: *fucking books it*
me, hulk voice: FRIEND STAY
I’m turning the cashier-customer relationship on its head. Now I am the one that repeatedly makes stupid jokes that nobody finds funny. Now they are the ones who have to awkwardly laugh.
Stop this “work hard” bullshit. You deserve free time, you deserve sleep and you deserve mental health. You deserve to procrastinate and you deserve to have your hobbies. You deserve it. You need it. No one should work & study all the time.
There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.
Wow bitch……………. Ur fuckin right
starbucks barista: ive got a caffe mocha for… “russian spy”?
everybody: [remains seated and eyes each other suspiciously]
barista [throwing his CIA badge at the floor in defeat]: dammit i thought for sure that would work
Memes that are funny in 2018 and 1958
Your church-going, God-worshipping sister adopted a small child and you’re excited to see them. But when you do, the child is a menace. They’re throwing things everywhere, setting furniture on fire with seemingly nothing, chanting in Latin to summon demons, but the weirdest thing is that your sister doesn’t seem to mind.
“You literally adopted the antichrist, Anne. What the fuck.”
“Yeah, I knew when I saw him at the orphanage. I figured if the kid had some decent fucking parenting that we could avoid the whole ‘Revelations’ shite. Nasty business, that.”
George, who’s name has been kindly changed from Damien, approaches his new mother with a huge spider in his hands. It promptly bursts into flames.
“Good job, love. Now go find the rest.” George’s face makes no expression, but his eyes shine when he recieves a pat on the head for his efforts.
As the months go by, George seems to settle down. He adjusts to school, friends, and the positive reinforcement Anne gives him. She encourages the good he does, even though the powers he uses aren’t “good”. When she gets calls from the school, it’s about a rambunctious boy that won’t sit still. Not a destroyer of the world and innocence.
It’s at Christmas dinner, that you let slip your amazement to your mother. How good Anne is for him and how he’s improved a lot. Still summoning hellhounds for games of fetch, though.
“Oh, he’ll forget how to do that when he falls in love the first time,” Your mother laughs, smiling wide.
“How do you know that,” you ask bewildered.
“Because, you did.”
okay so someone please write the story of the family of super-low-key holy warriors who have made it their mission to locate the antichrist in every generation (because when one gets spoiled they try AGAIN) and adopt them and love them into not being the antichrist anymore, thus perpetually delaying the apocalypse
delaying the apocalypse via good parenting I love this
